stay gold.

2009-02-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

http://www.ilyssabeth.wordpress.com

2009-02-03T08:23:00.003-05:00

rest in peace katie.

you will be missed, always.

you will be lifted up from all of this,

yeah, we will be transcended from the insignificance of our existence.

yeah, your body's gone. but angel, you will live.

2009-01-28T18:07:00.005-05:00

this one's for the winter.

today was rainy and yucky and snowy and gross.

here are my top five (relatively lame) songs for the day:

1. maroon five - wont go home without you.

2. john mayer - gonna find another you.

3. dntel - rock my boat.

4. the clash - train in vain.

5. the all american rejects - gives you hell.

the runner ups:

6. alkaline trio - if you had a bad time.

7. jewel - breathe.

2009-01-27T21:01:00.007-05:00

i saw on someone's blog that they made lists of five things during every post. i'm going to start doing that because god knows i need direction and order in everything i do.

five current thoughts:

i think im moving out of this 22nd floor dump so i can start to make a home for myself here. i meet with the realtor tomorrow, if the snow isnt too bad.
wednesday nights have new meaning now that lost is back on.
i still cant stop listening to kevin devine.
you'd think i would be over the whole photobooth thing by now, considering i own about eight zillion cameras.
its amazing to finally feel secure in something. in everything, really.

so what if it's freezing?

i'm awake and i'm happy.

2009-01-21T08:13:00.001-05:00

2009-01-20T15:36:00.001-05:00

2009-01-19T10:56:00.001-05:00

2009-01-18T12:30:00.001-05:00

eleven months. many more to come.

love is the only answer. everything else is just a trainwreck.

2009-01-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

i'm not that basic, i swear.

2008-12-15T20:28:00.004-05:00

i have been thinking of splitting up christmas

to see everyone i'd like to see.

you're the first on that list.

you're the lotto i hit.

you're the star at the top of the tree.

2008-12-09T14:32:00.000-05:00

the b&h fujiroid. are we famous yet?

2008-12-07T15:09:00.002-05:00

SPOT TONIN' PRINTZ.

LISTENZ TO IRON & WINEZ.

DRINKIN' ART WATER.

U KNO. THE USUALZ.

2008-12-06T22:33:00.006-05:00

you can't capture this with camera clips.

no, it don't exist. just light on negatives.

another candle on a birthday cake. and a wish you make.

well if the costume fits, keep wearing it. but no halloween

could quite account for this. i guess you're getting into

character. or just be yourself if that would help.

or sink completely into someone else.

2008-12-06T13:10:00.006-05:00

&our sea sick smiles. scream sweet nausea.

-----------------------

i cant remember being this sick ever.

dear body,

don't fail me now.

thnx.

love,

ilyssa.

2008-11-28T11:11:00.006-05:00

going to so many shows lately!

makes me remember where my roots are.

i need to check back into this life.

the feeling in the pit of my stomach never gets old.

-----------------------

&i cannot help but hold onto a handful of times

when what was spoken was a revolution in itself

and what we were doing was the only thing that mattered.

are you the one

with the spark to

bring my punk

rock back?

i don't think so.

2008-11-27T20:28:00.007-05:00

its time for some real blog posts.

here is what is on my mind at this moment:

//i wish nailpolish stayed on my nails.

i cant believe how freezing it really is.

(the city always feels colder.)

i need to stop spending money.

my dog is getting old and its showing.

i've made friends that will not go away.

(together in ties thicker than blood.)

whatever happened to myspace?

i need to stop spending money.

i need to listen to kevin devine more. really.

i cant wait for the chrismukkah party. //

///ps. i know new york is where i belong because

some people around me have feet who get

tired after walking the dirty streets all day.

my feet don't mind. i'd walk forever for this city./

---------------------------

so what if its freezing? i'm awake and i'm happy.

the sun's steepling its shards on my floor.

i drag my feet to the shower and i hear someone singing.

i keep the lights off while the water gets warm.

at some point i'll call you and tell you i miss you

and you are the point of my day

and my face will get flushed and my throat will choke up

when you tell me that you feel the same.

2008-11-18T12:00:00.002-05:00

you're my incentive.

if you go i'll go too.

happy nine months!

2008-11-16T18:16:00.001-05:00

now i sing and drink on floors and try hard not to be annoyed

by all these people worrying about me. so when i'm suffering

through some awful drive you occasionally cross my mind.

it's my hidden hope that you are still among them.

2008-11-09T11:51:00.001-05:00

sva halloween party 2008.

2008-10-31T18:03:00.001-04:00

tvfu 2008!

2008-10-24T21:01:00.001-04:00

ready or not here they come;

it's zombie time.

2008-10-13T10:47:00.002-04:00

we're taking everyone down with us.

where we're coming from will be the death of us.

2008-10-09T15:59:00.002-04:00

this glow wont stop the smiles

that are spreading on our faces.

2008-10-05T13:52:00.001-04:00

your reflection is a blur.

out of focus but in confusion.

the frames are suddenly burnt.

and in the end of a roll of illusion

a ghost waiting its turn.

2008-09-29T09:30:00.002-04:00

i don't mind you under my skin.

i'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.

well you're my favorite bird when you sing.

2008-09-17T15:36:00.001-04:00

keeping up with the moon

on an all night avenue.

2008-09-11T22:56:00.003-04:00

helaine hart.
together in ties thicker than blood.
rest in peace.
i love you.

"death will give us back to g-d, just like the setting sun
is returned to the lonesome ocean"

2008-09-07T09:08:00.002-04:00

i smile just because i've got a city love.

and i can't remember life before your name.

2008-08-25T20:13:00.004-04:00

and the moon's laying low in the sky

forcing everything metal to shine.

and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case.

2008-08-24T21:20:00.004-04:00

everyone's my friend in new york city.

everything looks beautiful when you're young and pretty.

the streets are paved with diamonds

and there's just so much to see.

but the best thing about new york city is you and me.

2008-08-22T09:49:00.001-04:00

we've been dreading this moment all summer long.

the night before life goes on.

2008-08-21T09:13:00.004-04:00

we kept our friends at bay all summer long.

treated the days as though they'd kill us if they could.

ringing out the hours like blood drenched bed sheets...

2008-08-19T11:46:00.004-04:00

if home is really where the heart is

then we're the smartest kids i know

because wherever we are in this great big world

we'll never be more than a few hours from home.

2008-08-18T00:55:00.003-04:00

six months.

the boy done good. the girl done better.

the seasons turn and we're still together.

the sky is still blue & tomorrow is another day.

2008-08-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

we'll blow one last kiss to all the beautiful nights like this

under central jersey skies.

2008-08-16T09:53:00.004-04:00

name ten things you wanna do before you die and then go do them:

1. become a fashion photographer. 2. have children.

3. get married. 4. go to a wedding.

5. have my work featured in a prestigious gallery.

6. buy my own manhattan apartment. 7. have my own puppy.

8. work for a major fashion designer or publication.

9. find a sand dollar. 10. repay my parents.

name ten places you really wanna be before you die and then go to them:

1. africa. 2. israel. 3. india. 4. london. 5. peru.

6. australia. 7. greece. 8. mexico. 9. france.

name ten books you wanna read before you die and then go read them:

1. catch 22. 2. animal farm. 3. farenheight 451

4. midnight in the garden of good and evil.

5. anna karenina. 6. the book of questions.

7. not without laughter.

8. i know why the caged bird sings. 9. walden pond.

10. the electric kool acid acid test.

list ten songs you want to hear again before you die,

get all of your friends together and scream them:

1. with arms outstretched - rilo kiley.

2. no children - the mountain goats

3. american hearts - piebald.

4. private radio - the bouncing souls.

5. born to run - bruce springsteen.

6. clacivle - alkaline trio.

7. baby i'm an anarchist - against me.

8. ten things - paul baribeau.

9. chad's favorite song - defiance ohio.

10. the new year - death cab for cutie.

think of all the things that are wrong with your life and then fix them:

i need to try harder to keep in touch

with those who mean so much.

i need to believe in myself better.

i need to learn to talk to strangers.

i need to learn not to get so

dependent on the people i love.

i need to consume less. i need to talk

less about other people.

i need to not get so discouraged,

and self-conscious.

i need to go a day without taking medicine.

i need go outside and enjoy the morning.

think of all the things that you love about your life, be thankful you are blessed with them:

family. friends. pet's that have been loyal

to me. new jersey. the financial security in which i have

lived my life. love that has taught me strength.

being adopted by the right people at the right time. the sun.

trees. cameras. my talent. my red hair.

my ability to stand up for myself. the beach. jenny lewis. music.

art. education. judaism. food. the activism i have been

surrounded with. the place i work. the places i have called home.

think of all the things that hold you back and realize that you don't need them:

broken hearts. fear of change. fear of being alone.

self-consciousness. intimidation. intimidation. intimidation.

think of all the mistakes you have made in your life, make sure that you never repeat them:

dependancy in relationships. lying to those who love me.

taking out my anger onfamily and friends.

letting fear hold me back. letting a broken heart take

control of my life. not allowing myself to calm down

while frustrated. not appreciating what i have.

taking things for granted. hurting other people when i am hurt.

because right now all you have is time time time.
but someday that time will run out.
that's the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

2008-08-15T07:51:00.003-04:00

7:52 a.m.

high rise eyes.

i hope it's not too hard to see the stars

through all those city lights.

2008-08-14T19:09:00.007-04:00

these friends are, true friends are.

2008-08-13T18:29:00.002-04:00

you are splendid.

and we will never be alone in this world.

and no matter what they say.

we're gonna be okay.

2008-08-11T23:19:00.003-04:00

no one is taking pictures.

everybody's still.

and then the water sought its course again.

the way the waters will.

2008-08-08T16:05:00.006-04:00

the city is calling me.

much better to pass into that

other world in the full glory

of the passion that you

found here.

2008-08-07T09:22:00.005-04:00

we watch the season pull up it's own stakes.

and catch the last weekend of the last week.

before the gold and glimmer have been replaced.

another sun soaked season fades away.

you have stolen my heart.

invitation only grand farewell.

crush the best one, of the best ones.

clear liquor and cloudy eyes.

too early to say goodnight.

you have stolen my heart.

and from the ballroom floor we are in celebration.

one good stretch before our hibernation.

our dreams assured and we all will sleep well.

2008-08-06T01:50:00.003-04:00

23rd Street.

Between 2nd & 3rd.

Floor: 23.

Move in date: August 23rd.

"The 23 Enigma refers to the belief that

all incidents and events are directly

connected to the number 23.

It can be either luck or unlucky.

It is what the interpreter makes of it. "

2008-08-03T15:52:00.004-04:00

officially 20 days until i move to manhattan.
i am scared. and i am excited.
this is unlike anything i've felt before.
the life i want to live is actually going to begin.
please keep in touch with me.
even if it's just an email. (ilyssabeth@mac.com)

i'm hot and cold and making cappuccinos
i'm looking at my captures
deciding i'm not half as good as you.
it ain't me babe. it ain't me babe.
that's for god damn sure.
right now i'm a bird in a cage.
yellow and lovely and singing.
fluttering in the sun, feeling completely free.
in a few weeks ill be a pigeon in god's good sky.
scared and hungry. in awe of all that beautiful blue.
borders and boundaries.
the garden state parkway.
bridges and better places.
home. home. home. home. home.
heaven on earth.
the center of the universe.
if you're the hudson
then i'm a tall building on hobokens edge.
i'd give anything watch you all night.
but even the clouds cover the moon sometimes.
to sleep with the window open
and actually hear the earth move
thats what its all about.
from empty coffee cups, pools, garage doors, and bugs,
to several stores high, stopbath, fix, and endless night.
is it morning or is it night?
is that an ambulance or the police?
crime or an accident?
i know how bad i want this.
i know how good i am at this.
your nest might be righteous and green and cool and free.
but mine's build of passion and reality.
love and family.
together in ties thicker than blood.
no matter where me and this island go.
23 stories to where i want to be.
this perfection is the best revenge.
cars make me sick.
airplanes can make me cry.
but these sparkling streets are my future.
and this is traveling on a whole nother plane.

2008-08-01T15:57:00.002-04:00

did you catch the twilight on your way into work?

you can live anything you can think.

2008-07-26T13:05:00.001-04:00

the sun keeps on shooting through pine trees.

2008-07-19T23:12:00.002-04:00

five months.

can't break this embrace.

2008-07-17T17:50:00.000-04:00

i can't pay my rent

but i'm fucking gorgeous.

2008-07-14T07:26:00.007-04:00

you pointed it up at the sky.

you just let the shutter fly.

all of your friends still wonder why

you were never good with a goodbye.

you just turned your back and let it slide.

2008-07-13T14:25:00.000-04:00

yes, this is love for the first time.

2008-07-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

i have been alive for nineteen years, today.

2008-07-09T13:48:00.000-04:00

oh. my. god.

2008-07-07T12:00:00.001-04:00

squeaky swings and tall grass.

the longest shadows ever cast.

the water's warm and children swim

and we frolicked about in our summer skin.

2008-07-05T08:10:00.001-04:00

happy birthday.

it's all for you dear.

2008-06-29T13:52:00.006-04:00

the only thing that's rich around here is the coffee.

2008-06-29T00:07:00.003-04:00

i'm here on my bicycle. i'm too tired to ride home.

if it's okay with you, can i take off these shoes and stay the night?

2008-06-26T12:16:00.006-04:00

in my dreams i see you asleep on a twin bed.

with the covers pulled up over your head.

am i asleep or awake?

2008-06-23T14:00:00.003-04:00

amongst the vending machines and year old magazines

in a place where we only say goodbye.

it stung like a violent wind that our

memories depend on a

faulty camera in our mind.

2008-06-21T12:05:00.008-04:00

our endless numbered days.

2008-06-19T16:03:00.002-04:00

my rollercoaster's got the biggest ups and downs.

as long as it keeps going round, its unbelievable.

2008-06-18T12:17:00.004-04:00

four months.

its the kind of thing you only see in scented glossy magazines.

2008-06-17T13:01:00.001-04:00

2008-06-03T11:50:00.007-04:00

we're never going home until the sun says we're finished
and i'll love you forever if i ever love at all.

wild hearts. blue jeans
& white t-shirts.

2008-05-25T22:03:00.004-04:00

the sun keeps on shooting through pine trees.

and the grass stains are went on your new jeans

& we'd better hurry up.

2008-05-23T10:46:00.003-04:00

be there.

2008-05-18T20:44:00.001-04:00

3 months today &

no one could ever look at me like you do.

like i was something worth holding onto.

2008-05-16T13:52:00.004-04:00

2008-05-07T17:39:00.001-04:00

take me to the fair.

hold me close as we fly through the air.

2008-05-05T21:32:00.001-04:00

the sickly summertime.

2008-05-03T18:53:00.002-04:00

we don't have to drink blood to know what it tastes like.

2008-04-29T23:03:00.002-04:00

pretend all the good things are for you.

pretend all the good things are for me too.

and the weather changes not halfway

between your house and mine.

2008-04-27T08:43:00.007-04:00

i am a postcard. i am a record. i am a camera.

it is eight thirty on a sunday morning.
there is a lot on my mind and
i think it's time for a meaningful post.

sva: i am nervous. i am excited. i was never one of those people who wants to "get out of this town" but the city is where i need to be right now. away from everything "highschool." i've lived a million places it seems, but when i think of home i think of flemington. i don't think that will change. i have a real fear of getting to school and feeling like i am mediocre at what i do. i know i am good. i know how much i love it. i know i am going to spend the rest of my life doing it. but the difference is, at sva, everyone around me will feel the same. i always think people are better than me and its going to bring me down to see how good everyone else around me is too. at rv, im one of the talented ones. at sva, ill be just another photo kid. i hope i will be able to handle it. don't let me forget how much i love what i do. "we don't need to drink blood to know what it tastes like."

highschool friends: lately i have felt more accepted by these people. the one who has stood by my side is gabbie. she is very good to me and i don't take it for granted. she is great to be around and really knows where her head is, which i appreciate immensely. she sees with her own eyes, never with those of others around her, which for most, it seems like its impossible. lindsay marcos and mollie have been nice to me, and have made me feel welcome lately, which is a very good feeling. i wish i knew if that was carried with them even when i'm not around. i know how much shit people talk and to be honest it hurts. i just don't know who to trust. i know who i need, and believe me i have them. but its hard because i never knew what i did in the first place to lose these people i cared so much about. cayce is very nice to me all the time. she never really stopped being nice, but from what i hear, its more of a thing that is only to my face, which honestly i dont understand because i remember how close we were and how amazing we felt in costa rica then especially spain.and from what i see, jenni just doesn't know how to be her own person, which isnt always a bad thing, but in the case of disliking me...it is. i wish people would think for themselves. especially in the case of this group of friends because i miss you all. and andrea, where'd you go? the road you've followed is, in my eyes, is not a good one and i hope everything works out for you. "i choose my company by the beating of their hearts and not by the swelling of their heads."

college friends: liz sergio and mike. you all have been so good to me and have never failed to make me laugh till it hurt. you mean so much to me and i know we don't see each other as often as we would like but this summer i expect lots of hangouts. you're all great to me & i love you for it. it hard since we all live in different places but i expect to see you soon and love every minute of it. "i wish the world was flat like the old days, then i could travel just by folding a map."

my best friend: corrie there are no words for what you mean to me. you have been my best friend, my sister, for so long now. our trips and adventures have been completely priceless. there is no one else i would go out of my way to call and just check up on. you are my other half. its almost your birthday and you deserve everything good that comes your way. you have been there every single time i needed you and nothing can replace that. i know you'll be the only one still there when i am wrinkly and smelly, and that to me is the biggest comfort in the world. "i'll look out for you till i die. till i rot."

my family: the only constant in my life. the ones to never give up on me. the greatest thing to ever happen to me. in all honesty i wouldn't be where i am today without every single one of you. i am forever indebted. "together in ties thicker than blood."

my love: i have never felt so safe or happy with someone in my life. you treat me like a princess and i appreciate and adore every little thing you do for me. there are no words to thank you enough for what you do for me. we truly have a love that people dream about, and i hope and believe it can last through the distance and the endless train rides. you have become a best friend to me, and we have so much fun together. i don't have to hide a single thing about myself and that is a first for me. when i hoped for something better i never could have imagined someone as amazing as you. corey, you are everything to me. i love you with all of my heart. "a thousand miles ain't shit to walk if i'm walking to hold you."

health: will the sun and weather get me out of bed before noon? where did all my energy go? always tired. always weak. my head won't stop hurting. i need to go for my allergy shots. i'm happy, so happy, i just can't get out of bed. "i know you're tired, i know. but what if this was your last day on earth?"

there are many good things coming my way and
i will make the most out of each and every one of them.

i will sing glory from a high rise. i will be set free.

2008-04-24T14:14:00.000-04:00

well i can hardly wait to get the sun
& your lips both pressing on my skin.

2008-04-20T19:50:00.003-04:00

run like a race for family;

the earth is warmer when you laugh.

2008-04-18T22:01:00.003-04:00

our end together was an epic and beautiful one. thankyou.

4-17-08.

2008-04-14T20:59:00.003-04:00

i've looked at all the photographs;

but cindy, which one of them is you?

2008-04-13T08:56:00.002-04:00

here's to warmer days, warmer hearts,
and never forgetting where you came from.

2008-04-12T10:24:00.003-04:00

july 15th 2008.

2008-04-11T21:49:00.002-04:00

would it be uncool if i could write a love song?

2008-04-10T11:01:00.005-04:00

2012.

2008-04-07T09:29:00.007-04:00

to those who have remained true:

i am forever indebted and i love you.

friends they come, & friends they go;

but you were always by my side.

kings and queens and millionaries

may never know what i have known.

thank the stars i'm the lucky one.

thanks for the lessons i have been shown.

2008-04-06T12:35:00.003-04:00

i step off the edge, let the blood rush to my head.

i'm going down to where the lucky ones have bled.

&i'm holding on.

for what you do to me, oh baby, there's no measure.

i've taken everything, now i want to give it.

i left the lights on so you stumble in devotion.

so easy, so easy, its left unspoken.

&i'm holding on.

i've come to realize you're the only thing i want.

i am falling all the way in.

2008-04-04T12:49:00.002-04:00

no one knows how to keep secrets around here.
they tell everyone everything as soon as they hear.

people say friends don't destroy one another.
what do they know about friends?

2008-03-29T21:15:00.002-04:00

these two are so in love.

you just light up my face.

wrap my arms around your ribs.

can't break this embrace.

2008-03-27T18:23:00.002-04:00

when the sun up in the sky

was bleeding all over you

and you had your camera

and you had your felt tip

and you had some money

and you had everything you needed.

2008-03-24T18:54:00.001-04:00

2008-03-02T19:12:00.002-05:00

she's got everything she needs.

she's an artist.

she don't look back.

2008-02-27T18:34:00.002-05:00

sweet reunion, jamaica and spain.

we're like how we were again.

2008-02-26T19:20:00.006-05:00

my family, you are my backbone.

you keep me balanced and settled.

& i'm in debt to you all endlessly.

2008-02-25T21:45:00.005-05:00

i will ask myself how badly do i want this?

i really want this.

2008-02-24T10:53:00.008-05:00

ruined friendships but others replace them.
these opinions are poison;
i have been drinking them all of my life.
i could never replace you
and i could never forget what its like
step out on a moonlit roof
the radio leads a feel good revolution.

come by when you get off work

i will be sitting around doing nothing
we can wait until the sun goes down
then we will drive off deep into the night
i don't care where we are going
as long as i'm going with you.

2008-02-23T15:29:00.011-05:00

they're scared of your eyes.

because they radiate blue.

never ever stop dreaming the way you do.

one day i'll make it out of this

high school hell hole. fly away.

don't waste time being mad at
everything. freedom's only a breath away.

(this is a new blog. i will record each day of my life in photos and song.)